After a thorough session with my other personalities, a decision was made: we’re no longer putting ourselves through anything that further disrupts our nervous system.
That includes people.
That includes situations.
That includes anything that requires me to override my own internal signals.
I don’t have the patience anymore for experiences that don’t serve me directly. The judge and jury have ruled, and contact with most externals has been cut.
This past year, I gave access. I shared my thoughts, my plans, my vulnerabilities. I tried so hard to communicate with people instead of leaving them right where they had me fucked up at the first time.
So I did what I do best: I made a spreadsheet.
Every number in my phone. Saved or not.
Pros and cons, laid out plainly.
Nothing surprised me.
The pattern was clear. The return was minimal across all fronts. The cost was high.
I’ve always been sharp with others and softer with myself. Somewhere along the way, I mistook empathy for obligation. All it did was scatter my focus and drain my energy.
I’m done fighting myself for the sake of other people’s comfort.
What’s meant for me will find me. Until then I’m aligning my outer life with my inner state. I don’t want to live in constant contradictions any further.
I’m tired of battling myself.
I’m the realest person I know, and for now, I want to keep me to myself.
- Seven