It’s 7:13pm and I’m here contemplating my life choices and the choices I’ll be making going forward. I recall asking myself every year around this time what my problem is?
Why am I so nonfunctional where it counts?
Why am I distracted so easily?
Why do I never make the right decision knowing I know the right answer?
This entry will be all over the place because that’s where my mind is. It always is ripping and raving with no end in sight. Feels like there’s no end to its energy stores.
I’ve mulled and written and spoke and cried and given up more times than I can count, just to pick myself up and start over. As long as I am alive and tomorrow is coming, I can start over as many times as I need to but damn, when does it end?
I lay in bed and think.
I sit on my couch and daydream.
I hover in my kitchen.
This life of mine just does not feel right. But then again, what does?
How much longer can I go on like this? This is not how I am supposed to live. I feel like I am one of those NPCs I talk about so much.
There have been many times I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and what reflected scared the living daylights out of me. Have you ever done that before? Stared at yourself in the mirror until what stares back is no longer the you you know? It’s so unsettling. Downright terrifying…
I want to face my fears as I know thats what I should do but what am I scared of? Thoroughly? Truly? Heights? Raw protein? A man wanting to go 50/50? The dark?
Personally, I’m not afraid of the dark myself, but what may be hiding in it. Or maybe the fear exists so I don’t look too closely, so I don’t discover that everything I’ve been told is an lie.
Too many possibilities in every direction.
I am aware of myself and all the known unknowns. There are also unknown unknowns – things I don’t know that I don’t know. There is an answer for everything and it hurts knowing that I was born too soon in time. I will never travel the universe nor will I ever have all the answers my brain so desperately seeks.
Question after question asked and answered. Answers to my questions only brings more questions. It’s too much. I can’t think straight.
I figured I’d start my writing career. I assumed my career in esports would be booming.
I thought my life would be lived in retail operational management.
I know I started in food service as a buffer but I cannot think further back than that.
Was I supposed to take over the world? Be a martyr?
What did I want as a child? Who was I as a child? Where did I see myself? Am I doing everything I said I would? Am I on the right path? Would she be proud of me? How did I end up here?
Why can’t I remember?
Someone help me.
- Seven